Have I Not Changed Since High School?

Through sheer coincidence, I received an email (completely on accident, intended for another Dan) from a friend’s mother I have not seen since I was 14 or 15.  Have not talked to her since then at all, and my friend hasn’t had a lot of positive contact since then either.  But through a couple innocent exchanges, she sent an email that completely rocked my world and made me think. was it all my fault?  Do I not know how to choose them?  Am I wrong to look for a stable, loyal relationship?

Take a look, and give me your thoughts. 

Let me set the context.

Her:

You sound like you are doing ok.  I know things were a little whacky for you growing up, I guess for everyone in one way or another.

Me:

Thank you, things are doing okay, for the most part.  I am getting over a nasty breakup and divorce that I’m still processing through, but other than that, I have good friends and a great job in as a consultant and instructor for a tech firm.  I live and work in Philadelphia.

Her:

A divorce??? You are so young!  I didn’t even know you were married.  I remember you used to plan marriage very early but something always went wrong with the girls as I recall.  That’s really too bad.  You seemed to me like someone who just wanted to have a family.  You have a lot of years ahead of you to find the right woman. 

Me:

Yeah, that’s exactly what happened, just to a more adult end than it did in high school.  I guess I really have not changed much.

Then, that prompted this response, which, I’m not even sure how to respond to, it’s caused a lot of thinking.  It was uncanny, how she found this much insight into my situation based on what she knew of me when I visited my friend at her house one summer back in high school.  Notice the part I underlined, i thought it interesting to point that part out.

Her:

Dan, it’s NONE of my business, but have you ever thought about how MAYBE the desire to have a happy family of your own might be coming from some unresolved stuff from your own family that you grew up in, and that you might be attracted to, or attracting, the wrong sorts of girls?  Maybe, in order to have a better outcome, instead of looking for another girl, you might want to look at your life and yourself… not necessarily in therapy unless you are into that, but just self examination for example.  maybe think about what felt good and what felt bad in your family, try to see if you are doing any of the less than positive things in your own life that happened in your family home, just look at the whole thing.  Ask yourself did those girls have anything in common, ie do you have a type you are attracted to?  What did you like about them, what did you dislike?  I bet they all cheated, I get the feeling that at the least they all let you down in some way.  Maybe they are lacking loyalty, dedication, maturity???  Maybe you might be moving fast and might be intense for girls of such an age?  If you really want to get married for good reasons, and that’s who you are, have you considered looking in churches etc for girls who were raised to believe that after high school they should look to settle down and become wives, not necessarily go out and be free and run around, or even go to college?  These days, girls more and more are taught that they don’t have to depend on men and get married, that they can take care of themselves and not get married, they can go have fun like men have fun.  The statistics for females cheating is rivaling male cheating now.  I’m not saying that I’m for or against early marriage and any one type of mindset, but I was wondering how you might wind up finding someone that it would work with and be happy.  of course, you could put the whole serious relationship thing on the back burner yourself and realize you are really very young and you do have so much time.  A lot of men don’t even think of marriage these days until they are in their late 30’s, early 40’s, then they marry a woman young enough to still give birth without difficulty which is the way it was done a couple of centuries ago right up to the 1950’s!  It’s just some thoughts.  I always hated to see/ hear that you were heart broken, again.  You struck me as a good kid.